Philosophical Analysis

Socrates: "I know nothing". Thats great, so-crates, tell us something we dont know.
Plato: Poofta. Thanks for fucking up the world for 2000 years, Plato old boy.
Aristotle: The most thorough, detailed, comprehensive philosophy of anyone to date. A rich resource that people are still tapping to this day (Putnam, Burge, etc). Boring as HELL.
Plotinus: Poofta
Augustine: So now I have to worry about whether I can even make choices? Great.
Anselm: Poofta
Aquinas: Poofta
Ockham:
Duns Scotus: Poofta
Machiavelli: spoiled brat
Hobbes: Hates people, loves the government. Also happens to be the basis for all social/political philosophy today.
Descartes: Brilliant mathematician hallucinates after sticking his head into the oven for a few hours. Writes the Meditations. Singlehandedly destroys the possibility of a foundation to science, which we still haven't recovered from. 500 years later he revitalizes Keanu Reeves' career. Poofta.
Leibniz: moNADS
Spinoza: Poofta. Interesting poofta, but a poofta.
Locke: liberal
Berkeley: I refute him thusly
Hume: Empiricism says we have no reason to believe the sun will rise tomorrow. Sure.
Kant: Basically single-handedly responsible for the way philosophy has been done for the last 300 years: impenetrable, monolithic, arctectonic. Motherfucking poofta.
Hegel: Universal Geist? c'mon.
Schopenhauer: Universal Will? c'mon
Kierkegaard: Poofta apologetic
Nietzsche: Responsible for post-modern dilemma. Underhanded poofta, to be sure.
Mill: hedonist
Emerson: Poofta
Frege: Genius. Still, Poofta
Sidgewick: Pretty much the most compelling form of Utilitarianism. See: Mill
Marx: economist
Dewey: Finally, philosophy finds its way. Now if only we had some idea of what Dewey meant. You would think a pragmatist would, you know, use some examples every once in a while.
Freud: Pervert
Husserl: Fascinating. I have no clue what he is talking about.
Russell: BERTRAND RUSSELL. SIR BERTRAND RUSSELL. This guy kicks ass, destroys Frege for breakfast and goes on to start basically the entire analytic tradition. Brilliant mathematician and logician. Absolutely horrid philosopher, thinker, and historian. His History of Philosophy is one of the most bullshit pieces of literature ever published.
Carnap: Both everything that is right and everything that is wrong with analytic philosophy.
Heidegger: The first to seriously take on the most difficult problem in philosophy with a huge book he never finishes. Joins the nazis, then runs off into the woods to write a bunch of meaningless crap. Damn you, Heidegger. Damn you.
Merleau-Ponty: Heidegger (minus the swastika) in a lab coat
Sartre: Possibly the worst philosopher of all time. Ugly as sin. French nancy Poofta with a capital POOF
Rand: Scientologist.
Wittgenstein: Hailed as a messiah in the analytic tradition for being a poofta with good logic skills. Still a poofta, through and through.
Foucault: Poofta who likes to be under.
Hemple: Thanks a lot, Carnap, see what you did? Sheesh.
Skinner: People are as smart as pigeons!
Quine: Starts the slow decent of analytic philosophy down the crap hole into obscurity.
Gettier: You fucking prick.
Goodman: Quine lite.
Chomsky: Proves behaviorism wrong, basically single-handedly invents cognitive science. Offers no better answers himself. Leaves psychologists scrambling and confused, and more or less abandons the field for his political trivialities, where he likewise has no better answers. Poofta.
Habermas: The only thing that is left in continental philosophy today that is worth anything. Still, I haven't read a thing he has written.
Rawls: What ethics has come to. sigh.
Davidson: Rides Quine down the crap hole, waving a cowboy hat.
Derrida: French philosophy superstar in the spirit of Sartre and Foucault. Fucking Poofta.
Kripke: Pervert
Lyotard: Worries a little too much about the sun exploding to take him seriously.
Rorty: First philosopher to literally give up. Kudos. Still, poofta.

edit: ANYONE NOT ON THIS LIST IS NOT A REAL PHILOSOPHER.