UCRAP re: History Professor

These are a series of lists my friend Bill and I did whilst bored in our History class. These are just my half of the list; I doubt Bill still has his, though they were a good deal funnier than these.

Proofs she is a box-eater:

• # of "Rosie" magazine covers- 18
• all the hemp
• So much luberjack gear
• can do tongue push-ups
• every fucking word that comes out of her mouth
• her constant referring to Jefferson as 'fucker'
• "I use Super Blue Stuff when my jaw hurts from eating too much box"
• Favorite movie: Thelma and Louise (that fucking dyke)
• Cast member on MTV's "The Real World"
• Frequents 'punany poetry" gatherings
• invites Ellen to her extravagant Oscar parties
• Indigo Girls feel left out
• hasn't touched a razor in a decade
• hot flashes while watching Janet Reno
• frequently stops lecturing to pick hair balls out of her mouth.

Proofs she is a zombie:

• Analogy- Richard Prior : "Mother Fucker" :: her : "Brains"
• the decaying flesh she tries so hard to cover up with too much makeup
• "Nothing feels better than a crotch full of worms"
• DJ Invader, a well known necrophiliac, has been seen publicly with her
• Laughs at the inaccuracies and stereotypes in "Night of the Living Dead"
• Her real gripe with Jefferson- his soft policy on Zombie civil liberties
• When talking to lepers, often brags "You think YOU have it bad?"
• Can dance like them zombie in "Thriller"
• Card carrying member of U.D.D.E.R: UnDead Demand for Equal Rights

Proofs she has had sex with animals:

• stench of kibble
• she sheds
• sympathizes with the Arabs
• every Halloween she goes as Little Bo Peep
• her pet snake is extra slimy
• her gerbil has night vision
• Has worn down her Dr. Dolittle VHS tape from so much rewinding and playing, rewinding and playing...
• up to 3 rabies shots per week
• well-known throughout Tijuana
• "Turn offs: Missionary position. Turn Ons: Sea World"
• the "I fuck animals for fun and profit" t-shirt
• Squats over gopher holes and just waits
• "Nothing feels better than a crotch full of worms"
• knows the errogenous zones of chickens
• masturbated with salami, considered it necrophilia
• calls The Planet of the Apes "heaven"
• says "I wish I was the croc hunter" but really just wants to fuck crocodiles
• favorite position: "viscious wolverine"
• favorite sex toy: prehensile tail
• smells like fish BECAUSE OF REAL FISH
• can tell the breed of the dog by the taste, consistency, and viscosity of their semen

BONUS: Alternative AC song titles

• Vaginas dont talk you stupid cunt
• You drive a minivan
• Cellulite makes you ugly
• I raped your mom so I am your father
• (unplugged) I want to experience childbirth
  
• I moved to Iraq to oppress women
• You are a man and you enjoy mansex with men (you're gay)
• I tampered with Dale Earnhardt's brakes
• I am good friends with Milosevic
• (unplugged) Lets just cuddle
  
• You drive and ice cream truck
• You wear a goatee
• Phil Collins sucks and so does Sting
• You play board games
• You drive a New Beetle
• (unplugged) Baking brings us together
  
• Timothy McVeigh still owes me the deposit for the Ryder truck
• I deflowered your daughter without her consent
• I became a mailman to steal your porn
• You are really looking forward to the upcomng Westminster Dog Show
• You care about your heritage
• (unplugged) Of course I will massage you
  
• I made your kid cry by telling him he has no future
• You have a low sperm count (you're gay)
• Larry Flint is a humanitarian