That's Philosophy

“That’s Philosophy!”
by the jokers in my philosophy department

When you confuse all your friends… that’s philosophy.
When you know your means from ends… that’s philosophy.
When you know just when to p,
And you know when to not-p,
When you think, therefore, you be… that’s philosophy!

When you’ve found the essence of a thing… that’s philosophy.
When you hang out with Turing Machines… that’s philosophy.
When it all could be a dream,
And a swamp-man makes you scream,
When ‘sixty-eight plus fifty-seven’ is ‘one-fifteen’… that’s philosophy!

When you know you’ve got two hands… that’s philosophy.
When Twin Earth’s in high demand… that’s philosophy.
When predicates are hurled,
And you’ve found the noumenal world,
When the ladies have all been Searled… that’s philosophy!

When you know your ducks from rabbits… that’s philosophy.
When your morality’s just habit… that’s philosophy.
When what Humpty Dumpty means
Turns out to be quite obscene,
When you can distinguish grue from bleen… that’s philosophy!

When your brain is in a vat… that’s philosophy.
When you know what it’s like to be a bat… that’s philosophy.
When you’re smarter than the rest,
And don’t remember when you last saw breasts,
When your sex life fails the test… that’s philosophy!